Living With An Alcoholic: Do’s, Don’ts, And How To Cope

How To Handle Living With An Alcoholic

Living with an alcoholic can be one of the most emotionally taxing ways to cohabitate. Unfortunately, moving out is often not an option for many people.

There are many situations where moving out of the residence or breaking off ties may be financially impossible and lead to court custody battles, homelessness, and state custody of children, such as:

• You are a child living with an alcoholic mother or father.
• You are a parent with young children living with an alcoholic spouse who is the breadwinner.
• You are the breadwinner, but your alcoholic child or spouse is not financially independent.

Regardless of whether you are living with an alcoholic spouse, sibling, parent, or friend, cohabitating with an alcoholic cannot only be stressful and take an extreme toll on your mental health, but it can also be dangerous. Individuals who live with alcoholics are at a higher increase for risk of abuse on all levels, including physical, emotional, and verbal. They are more likely to develop unhealthy relationship qualities such as codependency and trauma bonding.

Living With An Alcoholic Parent

Children and adolescents of alcoholic parents can often harbor feelings of guilt and anger when living with an alcoholic parent. They may blame themselves, live in fear, and develop mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. They may show aggression towards their peers at school and may isolate themselves.

Children or adolescents living with an alcoholic parent have a higher risk of being abused and developing an addiction themselves. Living with an alcoholic parent can be scary, so it is important to take necessary steps and precautions to safeguard your mental health and safety.

One of the most essential tools for living with an alcoholic parent is to have another supportive and responsible adult in your life who you can count on when you need to get out of the home, either temporarily or permanently.

Living With An Alcoholic Partner

Living with an alcoholic partner can not only present serious complications in a marriage or a relationship but can also affect personal finances, personal credit, and mental and physical safety.

If you are the breadwinner of the household and you are living with a partner who is an alcoholic, you may have immense feelings of guilt and shame for wanting them to leave. You may worry that they will have no safe place to go if you kick them out, and their addiction could get worse.

On the other hand, if you are living with an alcoholic who is the breadwinner of the household, you may not have the financial means to leave the household or the relationship. As a result, you may feel like you are trapped in an unsafe or unhealthy living situation.

Living with an alcoholic, especially someone who you are legally or financially bound to, is a complicated situation, but there can be ways to navigate this living condition and relationship.

Do’s And Don’ts When Cohabiting With An Alcoholic

Do’s 

Set healthy boundaries: Healthy boundaries consist of physical boundaries and emotional boundaries. Examples include:

• Having your own space.
• Having a lock on your bedroom door.
• Not engaging with them if they are intoxicated.
• Not allowing them to borrow money or your car.
• Not getting in the car with them if they are intoxicated.

If you are a teenager or an adolescent living with an alcoholic parent, you should be able to go to school and feel safe and be able to shut your bedroom door and feel safe. You should be able to establish a safe physical space to do your homework.

If you are married to an alcoholic spouse, some boundaries include having your own bank account, sleeping in separate beds, and not enabling their behavior. It is important to communicate your boundaries in a clear and concise manner to your alcoholic parents or spouse and relay an action plan and set of consequences if these boundaries are crossed or broken.

Have a support system: It is necessary to have a close friend, family member, teacher, or someone in the addiction community to rely on. You want to feel heard and have a safe space to go to when you need to leave your home. This could be a friend’s house, a community center, or the library.

Having people you trust who will listen to you, give you advice when needed, and help you in a crisis is necessary when you are living with an alcoholic. They can also remind you to practice self-care, seek therapy, and point out healthy and unhealthy behaviors, including enabling.

If you are a teenager or adolescent living with an alcoholic parent, you can confide in your friend’s parents or family members. If you are a spouse living with an alcoholic partner, you may rely on close friends, your therapist, family members, neighbors, or someone you met in a support group. You want to be able to trust this support system and be honest and upfront about your living situation and what you are experiencing.

Al-anon is a support group for the loved ones of an alcoholic, and they offer both online and in-person meetings all across the U.S. Connecting with a community of people who understand what you’re going through can give you strength and remind you that you are not alone.

Educate yourself about alcoholism and addiction: Alcohol addiction is a disease, and it can be so debilitating that the person usually cannot just quit cold turkey. When abused in excess over time, drugs and alcohol can change a person’s brain chemistry, impacting how they feel and act.

The more you learn about addiction, the more you can understand your loved one’s signs, symptoms, and behaviors while taking the blame off of yourself, and the more you will understand why professional help is necessary. There are plenty of podcasts, books, websites, and online community support groups that can help you learn about addiction..

Have an emergency plan: Any signs of verbal abuse, physical abuse, or threatening behavior should prompt you to leave immediately. If you feel that your mental health is deteriorating to the point you may have a breakdown, this is also a sign you should activate your emergency plan. This could include:

• Telling your teacher at school that you are unsafe at home
• Going to a friend’s house
• Escaping to a shelter

Ultimately, it’s important to be able to leave the house if things become out of hand or dangerous. If possible, you should have a bag packed and an emergency fund stashed away.

Practice self-care: Living with an alcoholic, whether it is your parent or spouse, can take a toll on your mental health and overall happiness. It is important to continue to seek moments of joy in your daily routine.

Make sure you are still engaging in your hobbies, sticking to an exercise routine, spending time outdoors, and sticking to a healthy meal plan and sleep schedule.

Seek professional support for yourself: Seeking professional support can include meeting with a therapist, joining an online support group, or attending an in-person support group. Your alcoholic spouse or parents do not have to know you are seeking help for yourself.

Seeking professional help can:

• Teach you how to manage your feelings
• Teach you how to adopt and practice healthy boundaries and coping skills
• Help you formulate an emergency plan
• Provide a safe space to talk about what you are experiencing

A therapist can help you process and understand your feelings and emotions and help you advocate for them.

Encourage treatment: Encouraging treatment for your alcoholic parent or spouse should be an ongoing conversation and process. You don’t want to force this but rather provide encouragement and resources in a compassionate and empathetic manner. Conversations starters using words like “I feel this way…” instead of using “you did this” and offering to attend therapy can be a start to encouraging treatment.

You may also consider contacting a professional interventionist if you’re considering staging an intervention.

Develop healthy coping strategies: Adopting and practicing healthy coping strategies can help you manage your mental health in stressful situations. Going for a walk, breathing exercises, and positive self-talk can help de-escalate situations in the home when you are surrounded by your alcoholic spouse or parent when they are intoxicated. 

Don’ts 

Don’t blame yourself: Your parent or spouse’s alcoholism is not your fault, and self-blame will only harvest more negative feelings.

Don’t enable: Enabling someone with an alcohol addiction lets them avoid experiencing the adverse consequences of their actions. While this may seem helpful at first, it can lead to denial of the issue and more dire consequences.

If you are living with an alcoholic, avoid these enabling behaviors:

• Do not give them money
• Do not drink around them
• Do not lie to others about what is happening in the home
• Do not bail them out of jail
• Do not help them if they are hungover
• Do not allow alcohol in the house
• Do not allow toxic people or drinking buddies in the home
• Do not engage with them when they are intoxicated

Any form of enabling is only supporting them in unhealthy ways.

Don’t ignore the situation: You must face the reality of what is happening in the home. If someone you care about or who is important, such as a teacher, their boss, or family member, asks about the living situation, it is important to be honest and speak up about what is happening at home. Ignoring the problem or covering up your loved one’s drinking is a form of enabling.

Don’t accept unacceptable behavior: This includes any form of verbal, emotional, physical, or financial abuse. If they threaten you in any way, it is a sign that you must activate your emergency plan.

How To Take Care Of Yourself While Living With An Alcoholic

Taking care of your mental and physical health while living with an alcoholic is essential, as this living situation can wear you down and strip you of your happiness. Some ways to do this include:

• Maintain physical distance by sleeping in different beds or bedrooms.
• Continue engaging in things that bring you joy, such as hobbies, dinners with friends, reading a book, etc.
• Continue living your own life, which means taking care of your children, going to work, sticking with your workout routine, and maintaining your social life.
• Go to therapy.
• Rely on your support system.
• Have a safe place outside of the house to go when you need to distance yourself.
• Develop a sense of financial security, such as a bank account, part-time job, or savings allowance, so you have the financial means to survive an emergency.
• Have a plan to move out if your living conditions become unbearable.

How To Help An Alcoholic Seek Help For Their Addiction

The goal is for your loved one to seek professional help for their alcoholism; however, forcing them to seek help often is not successful, so you want to approach this issue carefully.

Try to have open and honest conversations with your loved one about how their drinking is affecting your mental health and living situation. You can say things like, “I am having a hard time living here because I feel unsafe,” or “I am never getting enough sleep.”

Explain that their drinking habits are concerning because you are worried about their physical and mental health and your relationship with them. Make sure to have these conversations when they are not intoxicated, paying attention, and not distracted. You can give them reading material about addiction, offer to go to couples therapy with them, offer to book them an appointment with their doctor, and offer them treatment resources. You may have to have multiple conversations, but the goal for them is to be more accepting each time until they are ready to seek treatment.

You can also consider staging an intervention. An intervention is a carefully planned process with a group of loved ones to confront your alcoholic loved one about their addiction and the requirement for them to seek professional help. There is usually a master plan in place before this intervention is held, and the plan consists of treatment options at specific rehabs and consequences if the alcoholic does not seek treatment, such as the loved one moving out or ending the relationship.

You can also hire a professional interventionist or therapist to help you plan and work through the intervention with your loved ones. Often, having an unbiased third party with a background in addiction treatment can be helpful. During the intervention, each person speaks about specific circumstances and how they have affected them. They want to do this by stating factual situations compassionately and empathetically. Interventions can be very intense and overwhelming. Still, sometimes, this is the last step before you end the relationship or move out, and this last step is often necessary.

Signs That You Should Live Separately

Leaving a loved one with an alcohol addiction can be a difficult choice, but some signs indicate it is time to live separately for your safety and well-being.

Moving out of your home or asking your alcoholic spouse, parent, or adult child to move out of the house can create a lot of logistical barriers. Where would you move? How will you finance it? How will you emotionally support yourself when you are lonely? Is moving out the end of the relationship?

Many logistical factors come into play, and it is natural to want to hold onto hope and wish that things will change and become better. Still, it is necessary to move out if you experience the following:

• Any abuse, whether it’s sexual, physical, emotional, or mental
• If you feel unsafe
• If they are showing no signs of quitting alcohol
• If the boundaries you have set are constantly crossed or broken
• If you have exhausted all of your energy and resources
• You are no longer able to care for yourself or your children
• Their drinking habits are negatively affecting their mental, physical, or financial health
• You are staying in the home out of fear (whether you are scared to leave because their drinking will become worse, scared to leave because of your safety, or scared about finances or where you will live).
• Their actions and behaviors are unpredictable (drunk driving, emotional lability, getting into fights, problems at work, or poor spending habits).

If you decide to live separately, consider these scenarios:

Your spouse/partner is an alcoholic and is also the breadwinner: If your spouse, who is the breadwinner, is not willing to help you financially, you can stay with a friend, a family member, or at a shelter temporarily. In the meantime, if you own a home together, are married, or are in a common-law state, it may be wise to speak with an attorney who specializes in family law about your rights in regard to selling the house and splitting the proceeds or any alimony or child support.

Your spouse/partner is an alcoholic, and you are the breadwinner: If you are the breadwinner in the home, you can choose to stay and have your spouse move out or allow your spouse to remain in the house and you move out. It may be wise only to allow your spouse to live in the home if they agree to seek treatment. Depending on your finances, you can have your spouse pay a portion of the mortgage, or you can help them pay a partition of their rent if they move out and agree to seek help. Sometimes, you may have to ask them to move out of your home, and it is up to them to find a suitable place to live. After all, it is your spouse’s responsibility to seek help, and you can only do so much to encourage their recovery journey.

Your parent is an alcoholic, and you are a teenager or adolescent: If your guardian is addicted to alcohol and you are underage, you must still reside with an adult. In this situation, it is best that you move in with a family member or friend’s family. If you have nowhere to go and are in an unsafe situation, talk to a trusted adult who may need to get the authorities, like child protective services, involved.

The Next Steps

Living with an alcoholic can be a sad and scary situation. Still, it is important to remember that you are in control and have options on how to handle the situation.

If they refuse to seek help or even discuss it, remember that your safety and well-being are top priorities, and you should consider removing yourself from the living situation. If you think your loved one would be open to treatment, find a time to discuss different options with them or consider staging an intervention. You can also contact a treatment provider together to learn more about their rehab options.

Ultimately, taking the first step toward change, whether for them or yourself, can start the journey toward healing and a brighter future.